In spiritual mentoring the mentor has the more active role. So what does a mentoree need to do to get the most out of a mentoring relationship? She has a role of, primarily, responsiveness and trust (both of the mentor and of God's ultimate leading of their partnership). Yet there are a few things she can do to contribute to the likely success of the mentoring relationship.

The mentoree should prepare her own heart to be open to the Holy Spirit's movement. This is as simple as asking God to create in her the right soul atmosphere… a fertile ground for growth.  She should be attentive to her own spiritual growth, not focused on self and on what she needs to do, but simply abiding in God and trusting Him to do the maturing and the teaching.  She also should not depend on the mentor to spoon-feed her but simply to augment her own study and seeking of God.

The mentoree should be open to the mentor.  She should plan on being as transparent as she can, not holding back from the woman who is trying to get to know her.  She obviously can proceed at a pace that is comfortable for her as she trusts the Holy Spirit to guide them both… but there will be times when a leap of faith, or a leap of trust, will be necessary if they are to move forward towards greater intimacy.

A mentoree can reflect on her expectations for her mentor. We've all probably heard the phrase, "Expectations are disappointments waiting to happen." A mentoree should ask herself, "What do you think are realistic expectations of a mentor?" and "What is perhaps unresolved in your life that might incline you towards expecting too much of a mentor?" 

A mentoree should ask the Holy Spirit (and perhaps a clergy person or good friend) to tell her gently if they think that she will be able to have and maintain realistic expectations of a mentor. 

If not, that doesn't mean she can't be mentored… it would just be good to share her awareness of any tendency towards unrealistic expectations with her mentor so they can both address that as it comes up. We will write more about this in separate articles, but thinking it through as the relationship begins is wise.

We're assuming that your momma taught you good manners, so please take no offense when we gently remind you, as we speak directly to the mentorees here, that there are some obvious but simple things that a mentoree can give a mentor  right from the beginning of their relationship.

Here are a few:

Consideration: Think about what the mentor is providing you. She doesn't expect or need tangible payment, but saying thank you, bringing her a slice of cake or a few blossoms from your weekend dinner party, trying to flex your schedule as much as you can if she needs to, and, in general, imagining what her life and schedule are like will keep you inclined towards appreciation for her sacrifice for you. Promptness (or calling ahead if you won't be prompt) show respect for her schedule. 

Love: Ask God to provide that if it's not natural. Remember that your mentor doesn't feel old or different from you, just a few seasons ahead. In other words, she is a person not a role.  In our culture we can become accustomed to thinking about what people can do for us and can begin subtly using people instead of loving them. 

All of us can tend to think that "it's about me," especially when we have someone who is intentionally focusing on us and our life.  Yet your mentor approaches every session with her own concerns, unfolding life dramas, and desires for God; she is interacting with the material you share together just as you are. Be sensitive to that, even as the primary emphasis will tend to, and should, remain on you.

Specific gratitude: A comment like, "When you asked about my relationship with my mother, you really made me think in a new way" can go a long way towards helping the mentor know what is working well and what isn't. Let her know what is helpful, and give feedback as to how God is working through her.

Speaking the truth in love: This is a hard part of good manners and clean relationships, but it's important.  If something isn't going well in your mentoring relationship, you are doing your mentor a favor to gently address it. We Christian women sometimes operate under a false belief that we are not being "nice" if we have to say anything negative.  

In fact, it is not nice to pretend we are happy with something when we are not.  Truth, and the gift of it, allow another to deal with and face reality--and grow.  Disrupting someone can drive them to God.  And since we believe that the truth sets us free, truth (gently delivered) can be a gift; it need not be a weapon.

If this is a new concept to you, imagine how you might feel if you found out that someone had felt a particular way towards you and had never mentioned it, pretended otherwise, or even talked to others about you but never directly to you.  Enough said?!

Prayer: Ask your mentor how you can pray for her and her concerns. She certainly has them even though she may not be talking much about them!

Mentorees can expect mentors to take the lead, but there is an art to following well, or responding. Hopefully these thoughts will incline you in that direction.

© Cary Campbell Umhau for Inspire! Women's Mentoring Ministries. Cary is a freelance writer and editor, Bible teacher and speaker.  She is a wife, mother and experienced mentor.  She has also worked professionally in catering, eBay sales, discipleship and marketing. She loves reflecting on the relevance of the Bible to the diverse and seemingly unrelated elements of our lives.