In the best of mentoring relationships, as in any relationship, we hit seasons or times that leave us feeling flat and less than fulfilled. Those dry times seem normal in long-term relationships, but unless we prepare for them, they can be unsettling and scary in a mentoring relationship begun with high hopes and purpose. 

In the best of friendships, work relationships, marriages and parent-child relationships, we experience a gradual closeness and deepening. In mentoring relationships, unless we have known one another previously, we're likely to be starting from scratch. 

There will be initial excitement, the honeymoon phase if you will. The two of you start out delighted to find each other and hopeful that this relationship will fulfill your dreams of mentoring or being mentored. 

Perhaps this partnership is an answer to persevering prayer for just such a connection. Perhaps someone has suggested that the two of you would enjoy each other. And so you relish the discovery phase of finding out all about someone new. In any event, expectations and enthusiasm are at a high-water mark, and you are understandably excited.

Thrilling new friendships, if healthy, typically turn into "comfortable old shoe" alliances, but not before a good deal of wear and tear that eventually makes them comfortable. Most of us have known the rush of adrenaline kicking in when we face a family crisis (perhaps a sick parent, a wayward teenager). 

We rise to the occasion and address the needs at hand with energy and determination… but eventually comes the realization that "this is my new normal, for this problem is here to stay!"  

Honeymoons aren't designed to last forever; day-to day marriage follows. All of these relational scenarios, whether actual or metaphorical (depending on our life stage), resonate with us because we all have experienced the transition from idealization to reality. We will need to make this transition in mentoring relationships too.

Let's not grow weary or discouraged when the inevitable occurs and our initial delight gives way to the challenge of doing the hard work required of spiritual transformation. How can we guard against discouragement? Let's consider expectations, longevity and focus.

Expectations: Do you hear us repeatedly drilling the call to realistic expectations? That's intentional. Have you heard the phrase that warns, "Expectations are disappointments waiting to happen?"  Though the source is unclear, the sentiment rings true.  We are more likely to succeed in mentoring relationships, whether we are mentor or mentoree, if we are clear on what mentoring is and is not. 

It probably bears repeating that a mentor is meant to be a guide, someone a season or step ahead of someone else, ready to walk with and beside another, because God (the ultimate Mentor) does the heavy lifting of the relationship! 

Doug Greenwold, author of "Making Disciples Jesus' Way: Wisdom We Have Missed," says this: "The role of the teacher-preacher-author [mentor] in disciple making is to be a co-disciple with certain spiritual gifts that can help open the depths and riches of the Scriptures, thus further revealing to all disciples more of who God is and how God does things" (page 30 -- and just an editorial recommendation that this book is an excellent source as a guide for mentoring and discipling). 

So as a mentor "co-disciples" with God's leading, she is not intended to be a substitute mother, best friend, therapist, pastor or solution to life's woes but simply a guide and conduit.

Likewise the mentoree is a disciple in the sense that she is choosing to "sit at the feet of" an older woman, who may know Jesus a little bit more closely than she does.  The mentor needs to recognize that the younger woman is a fellow sister, a fellow pilgrim along the journey.  She is not a daughter, a pupil, a child, nor should she be best friend nor especially a project! 

Mentoring is about love and grace, not about fixing. Women can intuit the difference between relationship and project. That recognition takes about one second.  Love, lead, walk alongside.  When there's fixing needed (for either of you), God will be faithful to convict and address that. 

It's not that you won't ever need to speak a challenging word (you probably will, and we'll help with some guidelines for that), but your primary job is to mentor. The mentoree's primary job is to remain receptive. Maintain realistic expectations (revisiting your initial covenant when you need a reminder of what you both have agreed to).

Longevity: Mentoring relationships are most successful when both parties look at them with a long view in mind. For any of you who are teachers or mothers or work with children in any capacity, you know that you are building into someone's life so that they will become successful adults who glorify God.

The goal is not for the child to learn everything today, but to start to apprehend some building blocks. Learning is incremental, and the life of faith is even more so. We can't effect changes in several sessions. In fact we can't effect change at all. Only the Holy Spirit can do that; what a relief that we don't have to feel responsible! 

But as we mentor, we must remember that we are likely going to go over the same lessons again and again, gaining new insight and heft along the way. A good visual image for this is rolling up a long piece of twine into a ball. It gets bigger as more of the same gets added. We can rejoice, as Paul did over the Philippians, that "he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus" (Philippians 1:6). 

We are on a faith pilgrimage, and there will be inevitable fits and starts, obstacles, roadblocks, and bumps along the way. Again, not being shocked or derailed when progress seems slow or the road feels rocky will add to our ability to mentor effectively for the long haul--not just as a "flash in the pan" experience, burning out quickly when things aren't fun, easy or measurable.

Focus: Finally, where should our focus be in mentoring? It's not possible to overstate (or state too frequently) the principle or promise found in Psalm 37:4 which says, "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." We mentors (and mentorees too of course) have got to have our eyes focused on Jesus, the "author and perfecter of our faith" (Hebrews 12:2). 

We can't look at each other and wonder "Why is she so stubborn?" or "Why doesn't she know she's talking too much?" or anything else that might be bothering us. Well, actually we can wonder that, but we can't stop there. 

Since we believe that God has brought us together in this particular pairing, we need not take our eyes off of Him to focus on every imperfection or blip in the process. Just keep walking in faith, following Jesus, praying and proceeding, with your focus on Him, not on the relationship. 

He will be faithful to let you know when something needs to be addressed or you need to make mid-course corrections… but He should be your ultimate focus.  Remember Peter and his attempt at walking on water. When did he sink? When he quit looking to Jesus. Maintain your God focus.

Whether your mentoring relationship lasts a lifetime or whether, as is more often the case, it's for a particular time or season, you will experience periods that feel like mountain-top experiences and you will experience times that feel like valleys.  That is entirely normal and not cause for panic or for ending the relationship. 

Take heart; keep moving in faith.  Bless you!

© Cary Campbell Umhau for Inspire! Women's Mentoring Ministries. Cary is a freelance writer and editor, Bible teacher and speaker.  She is a wife, mother and experienced mentor.  She has also worked professionally in catering, eBay sales, discipleship and marketing. She loves reflecting on the relevance of the Bible to the diverse and seemingly unrelated elements of our lives.