The more competent and accomplished we are, the more likely it is that we just might see our mentoring partner and the mentoring relationship as if they were "projects." 

If we are accustomed to making a list and checking it twice, and engaging faithfully and well in many arenas of life (workplace, relationships, service, hobbies), then we are in particular danger of seeing mentoring as something else that we should do and as something that we will ultimately tick off of a list of life accomplishments. 

Yes, we are commanded to mentor so it's incumbent on us to do it.  And yes, we want to do it well, with excellence and dedication. 

Yet, we will fall flat on our faces if we think of our mentoree as a project and not as a person, if we are focused on the task at the expense of the relationship, or if we are intent on theology but lacking in love.  1 Corinthians 13 is often read at weddings, and we hearers all feel warm and good about how wonderful and appealing love is. 

Yet such a reading is more in line with Hallmark than it is with the gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ, who calls us to sacrifice in relationship and who reminds us that we must die to self in order to serve Him and truly live.  Hear the words of the apostle Paul:

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.  If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.  If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Loves does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres" (I Corinthians 13:1-7).

Are you loving your mentoree or are you practicing techniques on her?  This may sound harsh, but it's a very tempting and real danger.

Churches are full of people in need of a redeemer. Most of what we don't like in our churches, if we are brutally honest, is the people.  Perhaps the building is beautiful, the pastor is eloquent, and the children's program is exemplary.  Church would be perfect if it weren't for all of the messy relational issues that develop. 

And when they develop in church, of all places, we are doubly disappointed for we thought this would be different than the other arenas of life--that people here would be a little more kind, less political, have no agendas, be willing to serve rather than insist on being served.  In short, we genuinely expect that church people will be different. 

And so we expect that of individuals too.  Perhaps you are mentoring someone to whom you felt drawn.  Maybe she is a young woman of great promise and charming demeanor.  And naturally you have high hopes for your time together and envision closeness, mutual spiritual growth, and a lovely Jonathan and David, or Ruth and Naomi relationship. 

Yet if you do not expect her to be a regular, sinful woman (in particularity both of sin and of glory), then you are expecting a project rather than a person.  Be realistic.

Ask God to show you (vis-à-vis 1 Corinthians 13) whether you are truly loving and open to love or whether your agenda is more about using your gifts, charting a course and leading someone through it or finding another area in which you can serve well. 

If it's the latter, you are not alone.  Most of us have "been there."  It's just that it's time to move on, towards relationships that incarnate the love of Christ so that we can be conduits of God's love in a woman's life -- for her sanctification and for His glory. And just think...you get to help!  

© Cary Campbell Umhau for Inspire! Women's Mentoring Ministries. Cary is a freelance writer and editor, Bible teacher and speaker.  She is a wife, mother and experienced mentor.  She has also worked professionally in catering, eBay sales, discipleship and marketing. She loves reflecting on the relevance of the Bible to the diverse and seemingly unrelated elements of our lives.