As an older woman (at least relatively), you believe in mentoring. You know that you are supposed to pass along your wisdom to those a step behind you, in age or spiritual maturity… but which wisdom will you share? What emphasis will you choose? What will you actually talk about?  And how will you decide all this?

A common temptation is for mentors to make a mental list of things that they have learned in their own lives (usually learned the hard way, right?) and then to plan to teach those same lessons to their mentorees, assuming that the themes must be universal. How effective do you think that would be? 

We can't make the assumption that our mentorees need the same lessons that we've learned (or are still working on). We should be aware of whether, instead of listening, we are simply waiting for an entrée to talk about those things that have been our particular bailiwicks, perhaps because we are trying to resolve something incomplete for ourselves. 

If we find that we are more self-referential than we thought, perhaps we need God's help, in another arena of our own, to work out our own unresolved lessons.

We all hope our pain and struggles will be recycled for someone else's use (because imagining that they served no purpose adds insult to injury). Yet sometimes we are too quick to assume that God matched us up because we have the "exact same" problems or life situation.  Maybe… but maybe not. 

Yet whether it's obvious or not, God does ultimately recycle our pain for the benefit of others in some way (allowing us to comfort others with the comfort we have received). Nothing in our past is wasted; rest assured. Yet you don't have to touch on every lesson you've ever learned during this season with this particular mentoree or at this particular time.

Another reason that some women don't hear their mentorees' stories clearly (or above the din of their own) is that they have trouble leaving room for silence until they know what to say; they simply fill conversational empty spaces with any thought that comes to mind (or, more accurately, that comes out of the mouth). 

It is uncomfortable to sit with another's story and not be able to write the next chapter (or at least read it accurately).  And women genuinely want to be helpful. And we wouldn't mind being seen as wise either, would we? 

Therefore we are more likely to explain something that we have lived through (as in "This is how I solved a similar problem with my boss," or "Let me tell you what my journey through infertility was like.") than we are to simply sit with someone with an unknowing, yet ministering, presence that has no solution or certain answers. 

Often we err in this regard out of a genuine desire to quell anxiety (our mentoree's or our own) or because it's easier to say something (anything) than it is to wait, to let the topic hang in the air, to go home and pray, or to continue to pray together without hearing anything definitive from God. 

To admit that we hear nothing or don't know how to respond makes us feel, humanly speaking, inadequate.  In God's economy, we are gloriously inadequate (and yet overflowing with Him in our very inadequacy).

Remember that even if another's situation is like ours, there is no guarantee that God will choose to work in her situation the way He has worked in ours.  So not only are we wise to remember that our struggles are not necessarily relevant to everyone else's, but also to remember that we are most effective when we seek God with another for how He will move in her situation--and less effective when we tell our mentoree what God is up to and how it will end (because we've seen it before). 

Our motivation for this is often good ("God did something amazing; I believe He'll do it again."), yet we can tweak those words slightly and still give Him glory ("God did something amazing in my life; let's count on Psalm 5:3 and lay your requests before Him together and wait expectantly to see what He will do here."). 

Leading younger women, we also fall prey to the temptation to protect God's reputation. We're worried that He won't show up in an obvious way, with clear answers, and that our mentoree's faith will suffer as a result of that… and we want to be sure she grows and that she believes that God is good.  And yet God is good and sovereign whether our mentoree (or we) think so in this situation or not.  And it's not incumbent on us to prove it.

It's His work that is happening, not ours to effect or force.  The pressure's off!  We are conduits and guides, not in and of ourselves the source of power or the one who must convince or convict.

Cultivate the habit of holy listening. Listen more than you speak. If you ever hear yourself (or your mentoree) say, "I'm not sure I should say this yet," then don't! Wait. It's even okay to say, "I'd like to give this more thought and not comment until later" (though it's kind to reassure your partner that you have nothing ominous in mind).

Pray more than you speak.  In fact, this is where the old adage comes in that says that in mentoring we will talk to God about our mentoree more than we will talk to her overtly about Him.  And it goes without saying that we will talk to our mentoree more about herself than about us (even if she urges us to tell about ourselves)!

These caveats will keep your mentoring focused on her story as it should be.  Your story is relevant, and it's no accident that the two of you are together if you have sought God in that pairing.  And God is using your story for her glory and growth. 

But really, God is using both of your lives (the good and the not-so-good parts) for the benefit of each other as He molds you both into women who are conformed to His likeness, even as your stories are becoming part of each other's stories, stories that fall under the big-picture story of His world and His glory (and our humble role in each).

© Cary Campbell Umhau for Inspire! Women's Mentoring Ministries. Cary is a freelance writer and editor, Bible teacher and speaker.  She is a wife, mother and experienced mentor.  She has also worked professionally in catering, eBay sales, discipleship and marketing. She loves reflecting on the relevance of the Bible to the diverse and seemingly unrelated elements of our lives.